That Feeling...

You know that feeling when you fall in love and it's like the easiest thing you can feel? Well yea sure we all have felt that, I just find myself feeling that feeling almost all the time. But one feeling I just finally felt was falling out of love being the easiest feeling I have ever felt. For the past year I have been holding onto 3 guys. Two from Oregon at George Fox and one here that I went to high school with, dated and then spray painted his truck. I never thought I would let go, or despise those relationships I had with them. Friendships were nice, I will say that, but relationships with them were just not right for my heart or my body. So that is why I have to say that falling out of love is the easiest way to get over everything and everyone. You can disagree with me if you would like, but this is really the best way to move on with you life.

When you think of all the things you did for that person and they looked the other way or didn't acknowledge you in the way you thought they would, that is when you finally realize hell, being with them is the last thing I want to do. I don't want to keep getting hurt and I don't want to be the one that keeps hurting. Those guys didn't hurt me, I hurt them. I hurt them by hanging on this long. Sending them texts constantly, sending them emails and calling them. Basically begging them on my hands and knees to come back and to take back the things they have said.

I have constantly always gone with the revenge side of things and well spray painted a truck, painted some windows and portrayed myself as someone's girlfriend through an email just to see if they would break up with the other person. I constantly am the one to blame for all these relationship problems, but there are some areas in which I am strong and they are weak that just didn't float my boat.

Aside from all of that, when my Dad left to go to Indiana to start business, I was not ready to go. I was telling myself I am staying here in Idaho and I am not going to Michigan or Indiana or whatnot. That day at the airport, as I was watching my Dad leave, I realized how I can't be without my parents. Reason I moved back to Idaho from Oregon, reason I am now living next door to my parents, reason I have chose to move to Indiana/Michigan. Sure Nashville sounds fun to move to, get a decent job an apartment and start my songwriting singer career but then again, how am I going to do this without my parents there all the time? What am I going to do when they are all gone? By gone I mean up in heaven... What am I going to do? That is when I finally told myself, that if I have such a problem with holding on to all these guys, then holding onto my parents is gonna be really easy but letting go is going to be really hard. I fell in love with my parents, when I was born, when they got a divorce and when they decided to move on with their lives. I fell in love with my parents when Mom got remarried and I met my step Dad, but falling out of love with my parents would not be easy, that is why I have chosen to give up on all men. I don't need a man to make me happy.

Men are not the world. Woman are not the world. Only myself, is the world and with God I know I will be fine in this world. When I said give up on men, I mean give up on the aspect of hunting for a good man. If the right man is out there, he will find me, make me fall head over heels in love with him, he will be faithful and good to me, nice and crazy for me, and I will marry him and have babies with him. But until then all men are off my radar, except one (yep not really a man to delete from the pack)...

This man I met in an airport. I don't talk to him. He hangs out with my Dad. He's 21. But that is all I know about him. He is moving to Indiana with my family to continue working with my Dad and my Dad's boss. This man would be the guy that most Dad's would warn their daughter about. My parents are playing that free for all card, my decision to move East with my family was based off of being close to my parents and family, but another part was because if this is the right guy, I don't want to be 2500 miles from him. I want to be there with him.

So giving up on men yes, it's important to me, but that is the men I am not interested in that I am giving up on. Right now there is only one guy I am interested in and he will be here this weekend, and this is the guy I am not going to give up on.

So goodbye, Kevin, Kris, Sam, Jeramey and Mike, my life did not need you in it. It was a boost of self confidence for me that I can do better. That I don't need a man to make me happy. I don't need a man to keep me away from my dreams.

I have me! I have my family! I have God! Those are my dreams. SCHOOL, WORK and this amazing family friend life. I don't need or want anything else. You 5 were just distractions. You 5 were just hurdles I finally jumped over. You 5 were walls that God let me finally knock down. I am whole again. This is who I am and this is what I believe. Nobody can tell me any different, they can try, but I am stubborn enough to not listen. The only one I will listen to is God from now on. Last notes to the 5...
Kevin-good luck Army and girlfriend wise. You need all the luck you can get.
Kris-it was nice knowing you. had some laughs but they were not near good enough thanks for some good times.
Sam- I haven't met anyone like you before, headstrong and bold, that is good. I hope your future is as headstrong and bold as you.
Jeramey- When you learn how to stay out of trouble, meaning stay out of jail, maybe you will find someone that will love the real you. And the real you is not the troublemaker you.
Mike-4 more years to go on probation. 2 kids and a girl that loves you a lot. You messed up by coming after me and having all of that at home waiting for you every night. She loves you, they love you. Stay with them. Stay.

To those 5- in my heart you will always be 5 ex boyfriends. Guys that I shared feelings with. But you will never have a piece of my heart, nor should I feel like I will have a piece of yours. I am not a friend, I am not an enemy. I am simply a girl that just doesn't want any of that anymore. No more tears over guys no more flying emotions and crazy rollercoasters.

This is where I draw the line. This is where I finally have the strength and courage to say GOODBYE! I'm not holding on to anything anymore but my dreams and my faith.

Thanks for reading! More updates on my life to come on days to come lol. =)