I Don't... I Won't!!!

I am tired of running, I am finally stopping and I am not running to anyone or anything. This is me if you don't like it don't ask me how things are, don't even care. I don't and I won't. This might be the worst attitude you have ever heard, but attitude reflects leadership and I am leading myself down a road where I won't get hurt. I am done with it all. This semester can start where I can focus on my new dream and my new goals. I have gone through too much to let my past ruin me. I am here, this is real and this is me. This is life. I am tired of waiting around for someone that, yes understands me and knows me but doesn't understand himself and doesn't know himself. Hurtful words, yea I guess they are. But I guess when I say I love you it doesn't mean anything, when I say anything to anyone is means nothing. "Katie, I don't believe you, I don't trust you, Katie you are nothing but a stupid useless, beenatch" yea I may be a beenatch a proud one and last time I knew a female dog was a beenatch and dogs bark and bark grows on trees and trees are beautiful and a part of nature so thanks for the compliment. I am tired of the lies from other people and them assuming that I am someone that I am not. I am tired of being labeled. This is me! If you are not willing to get to know it, stay far away from me. No where in the Gospel does it say this life is going to be perfect. It says this life will be perfect if you live perfectly. Nobody is perfect, but I am not gonna try and be something that I am not. God made me the way he wanted me, he put me on this earth 18 years ago. He has a day planned when I will die, he has a day planned when or if I get married, and he even has the day planned for me when I decide to try and have kids. God is my hero, he is the only guy that I need in my life. He is the only one that is standing by my side and I know he will never leave me. Sure it sounds like I am contradicting myself, but you know what, God is keeping me at Fox for a reason, he has had ever reason to pull me out of Fox, but he doesn't want me to give up on my dream that I have had since I was a little girl. Sure I am not going to be a Medical Doctor, like I have always dreamed about, but I am going to be a doctor. A juris doctor. I am going to still be in the medical field, I am going to be a Medical Lawyer. And in the end I will be proud of myself, the person I am with, and the ones that God has given me to raise. Maybe one day I will get my love story, maybe, but I honestly have thought I have been ready for it. I saw how my sister was treated and let down by guys. I guess I wanted to see what they were really like myself so I started dating, got bumps and bruises down the road with a few, been mistreated and stomped on by a few, but that has made me tough and stronger to take on anyone who gets in my way. Does it make me afraid of all men? Yes, it does! Is there one I can tell everything too, yes there's more than one. Is there someone out there that understands what I am going through and knows the road that I have been down? Yes there is, do I want to be with him? No. He has moved on, has three kids and keeps in touch. Is there someone that God has gave me a chance with lately? Yes, there has been, two guys, one who has a girlfriend and baby and a life he has to pull together, but I didn't need him, I wanted him but I didn't need him. I felt sorry for him, he's going through so much trying to do everything for her, but she treats him like a piece of wood and if he leaves she will literally burn him. This other guy I met at school, and maybe things weren't meant to be, people got in the way. But I am tired of people getting in the way. I am tired of being told I am the one that thrives on the drama. YES I DO THRIVE ON IT! But I am trying to get rid of it. Asking for advice from friends? Yea, sure it's good to hear from someone that wants to be someone. We all want to be someone. I am sick and tired of the stupid laughs and fake smiles. To feel hurt and lost and not knowing what you can do anymore yes that was me. This is me. I am lost and confused. Alone on my own? NO!!! God has my back all the time, he stands beside me and that is what I need is someone to stand beside me, the feeling to be safe and move on and make new friends in a new place. A chance to be myself and not trying to impress others with a lie about my life, but to be myself and people not criticize who I am. The guy I met at school, means a lot to me. Always will. Since the day I first saw him, I fell in love with the blue eyes and Tap Out hat. :) But I took a wild guess on what would happen and guess what it's happened. He is 1,338.52 miles away from me and here in a few days he will be 150 steps away from me. But when I am only 150 steps away from him, how far will he go? I will never know. Because this girl is done and tired of holding on for something I can't have right now. Something that I might not be ready for. I am doing everything I can, well I have done everything I can. I am tired of all of this. Tomorrow is a new day, a new day is going to come, and I am not going to run. I am going to stay put and focus on my life. Thank you God for giving me a wonderful family. Thanks for giving me my Mama, she is the best mother, sister and best friend influence I have ever had. My prayers for people that I know care, give them a chance to find themselves. And if they have already found themselves, give them a prosperous life. One wish, when you are ready to read me my love story, I promise I will be ready to listen this time, I will not run from the ending of the story as I have done before. Just please God whoever you have planned to make me happy, make sure he doesn't run. I don't want a runner, I want a lover, someone that will stay by my side. (you know what I am talking about) you gave me someone just like that, work your miracle. I'll be around for a long time, thanks to you God. you are my man... I love you! thanks again for everything!